Monday, December 3, 2007

Time for something new

So I figured it was time to start anew. Things change, and coming upon the New Year, I have thought alot about the changes that have taken place in me, in my family, and in life in general.

Yesterday I broke my baby toe, needless to say it was extremely painful. More painful than what I thought a broken anything should be. I took some of CSTL's pain meds for his mouth and while it eased the pain to where I could walk, it really did not do all that much but make me a bit loopy inside...LOL
We decorated the tree last night, and while I take pride at how the tree looks every year, to me it resembles something that you would see at a department store. It is simply gorgeous and full of family love.

I had to go out and get some ornament hooks so I went to the Rite Aid down the road. I was walking past the door when I saw this little old lady trip over the car stop thing. Her granddaughter was struggling to help her up, and I seriously thought that the way she was so limp that maybe she had a heart attack. I dropped everything and ran out there to help. When it was all over, all I kept thinking of was my grandma. How much I miss her, and how I would give anything to help her up just once more. To hold her hand, see her laugh, and have her see my two beautiful children.

We did not go to either family for Thanksgiving. Financial issues, dental appt.'s, and just life in general biting us in the patootie left us with the choice to do something sensible and stay home and celebrate here, or go and try to make it work. We stayed and I was left reflecting over my family in general.

So much has changed with me and my dad's relationship in the last 9 years. I love my dad, and am so proud of him. He's a little nuts, and sometimes slightly crazy, but since I had Ryan, he has never let me down. He has always been there, even when I didn't want him to be. When we got married, I was sure that was the end but he surprised me again, and now loves CSTL as much as he loves his own children. And that warms my heart.

I came across some pictures of Ryan right before we moved here, and I cannot believe how much he has grown. Not the taller kinda grown, but the mature, confident grown. He is becoming a little man, but every day when he comes for his nightly hug, or his many daily hugs, I am reminded of just how lucky I am. He is an overall good kid. He has the same pushing and testing boundaries that all 9 year olds have, but he is a good, sensitive, loving, caring little boy. He is smart, and well rounded, and tried to make the best choice when his friends are making the wrong ones.
A few weeks ago, his dad called and pretty much said that he wanted nothing to do with Ryan. For us to do whatever, CS adopt him or whatever, he did not care. That he had to get his life together and could not do that worrying about Ryan. I have to say that it hurt. Not hurt me, but hurt because I knew what it would do to Ryan. I have not told him, but I did tell him that we finally got his blessing for CSTL to adopt him.

James is just growing and growing. He has such a sweet demeanor, and just comes up to you to hug, or give kisses, or just to sit on your lap. Ryan wasn't like that. He did not want to be held at all, so it is a welcome change when James stops playing to sit beside you for just a moment. When he looks up at you and smiles and then hops back's like he is checking to make sure we are still there. His new thing is pointy at you and saying..."You stink!" LOL, it is about the cutest thing.

This year has brought a lot of changes, especially these last few months. After finally figuring out what was wrong with me, PMDD, and getting treatment...I can say that I feel at total peace inside. One big thing I know it was affecting was my marriage, and I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have a husband who just stands by and takes everything...only to still love me in the morning. And when I say take everything...I mean the worst mental mood swings and emotional crap you can throw at someone. If you know anyone with PMDD you know what I am talking about. I was diagnosed in Oct. and my Dr. said it was the most severe form. That basically means I am a terror during that time. So much so, that Ryan told me I was mean now. That is when I knew I had to do something.

CSTL...there is not much more I can say about him, other than I love him. I love him with everything that I am. From childhood I have dealt with some terrible things, things that could totally break someone. Those things taught me to keep people at a distance, to not let anyone to close, to always try to take care of myself first. Being with him, feeling the love he has for me everyday, has given me the ability to re-learn how to love. How to cherish and show that love. I still have some work to do, but I am trying to be better every day. I know we have had our problems, and there has been issues and what-not, but we always come out stronger, better, and more dedicated.

I have a family. I have the totality that I always saw other people with and wished for. As I reflect on the year past, and my life in general, I realize that right now is certainly the best time in my life.

I have love. I have the love that blossoms and grows everyday.

I finally have a little peace....thanks in part to Celexa, but nonetheless, it feels wonderful.


arkie said...

Reading this post made me smile and kind of tear up, at the same time. It's so good to know that love really is out there. Just because I haven't found what I'm looking for, knowing that others are finding it, gives me encouragement to keep looking.

*hugs* to you and Ryan... I know what you mean about what his dad said hurting. I often feel like I owe my son an apology for who his dad is.

Syren said...

Arkie, it is hard to explain to people sometimes about his dad, and how it does hurt. It doesn't hurt because I care for him, or anything like hurts because I know it will cause Ryan pain eventually.

It is nice to see someone understands what I mean when I say that.

And there is someone out there for you...and when you least expect it, they will sweep you up and love you in ways that you will never understand.