Laughs, $40, Fudge, and toes.

As I was out at Wal-Mart getting the last of the stocking stuffers, I like to do that at the last minute, I was thinking of how much I love to hear Steve laugh. When he laughs, really really laughs, I cannot help but to laugh with him. It is so infectious. If I hear something I think he would belly laugh at...I start laughing. Just imagining him, and hearing the sound in my head is enough to set me off.

We sold James's bassinet yesterday for $40. Why am I telling anyone this? Well, because the lady called today to complain that the bassinet has a stain on the cover under the bassinet pad. Now. They paid $40 for a complete bassinet, that is also a co sleeper, a cradle, has a night light, vibration, a mobile, and all accessories. This bassinet was over $100 when we got it. The only stain is under the pad on the cover. Did I know the stain was there? No. I did not. Not only did they only pay $40 for an otherwise perfect bassinet, we drove about 20miles away to meet them because they asked us to. So I am just a wee bit perturbed that they are not happy with an otherwise perfectly safe, beautiful, fully equipped, structural, USED bassinet, but that she wanted to sit on the phone an argue about the age of the bassinet. And the unseeable stain. The unseeable stain that can be rectified with just buying a new cover of their choice.

I made another batch of fudge today, and ruined it. It is all crumbly and stiff, and to me just yucky in general. Ryan gave a piece to the baby and he scraped it out of his mouth it was so bad. So I went out and got some more things and made another almost perfect batch. Almost perfect because my dad makes the perfect one and I am not quite there yet.

I have a broken pinky toe. It has been broken for several weeks now and the pain had eased up..well I thought it had. We were at a friends last night, and the wife is a Dr. and she told me that it was not healed, not proper, and that while I might not feel the pain when I walk, it is still there. That if it was wrapped correctly I would feel the pain because it needs to reset or something somesuch. So Steve rewrapped it for me, and yowsers. It hurts. I can hardly stand and I have so much to get done today.

Christmas is almost here!!! I cannot wait. I could really care less about any presents that I get. I just love watching everyone opening theirs. That is where the joy comes in at for me. I get all giddy and excited just watching, that I know I get on peoples nerves trying to get them to open their gifts.

Candy and cookies!!!

Pull up a nice comfy chair, grab a mug of hot cocoa, and enjoy some wonderfully delicious peanut butter balls, or a sweet thumbprint with a Reese cup.

The last few days I have been making cookies and such. Haystacks, sugar cutouts, shortbread, thumbprints and peanut butter balls. I used to love making cookies with my granny when we were little, and I thought it would be a nice neighborly gift to a couple of great neighbors. Hope they enjoy, I sure have :)

This weekend one of our friends Renee came over. Her husband was in our wedding and he is/was a really good friend of Steves. Long story short, last spring she caught him cheating on her with a coworker, in their house, during a party, with his parents there. They have two kids and the situation has just been so stressful on Renee. They are here on his work visa. So therefore no divorce can be had till they are granted their citizenship. He is living with his GF, and the kids see him every other weekend.

She just found out some pretty upsetting news, and basically spent the entire weekend here. The kids were with him and GF and she was upset and needed some cheering up...or at least some comfort.

Now I like Renee, but I can only take her in small doses. All weekend is a bit much. She is far more conservative than I am, and we really do not agree on anything...but she is nice and my heart goes out to her...my issue...

She doesn't knock anymore. Or if she does it is just a quick knock and then in the door she comes...Hello...

This. Gets on my nerves, but I don't want to say anything to her, because she is having such a hard time. But. I. Hate. It.

Today I was putting James down for his nap and this time, no knock. Just Hello and in she comes.

Guess, I will have to deal a little for a while.

Sooooo....

I have PMDD. I take my meds usually right around the time I take my bath. I have found they help me sleep that way and it has lessened the headaches. Not to late in the day, not to early in the day I guess. However...while they have helped it will never completely take away the swings in emotions. It begins about two days after ovulation and continues until two days into the crimson tide. Well...guess what today is. Whoever guessed day two after ovulation gets a stained glass cookie, if I make them :)
I can feel the change in me. My thoughts go all haywire. Like I could be in the happiest mood but inside I am contemplating every single little detail that has went wrong in the last 24/48 hours. Everything. And it builds from there. In my head I am trying to talk myself down, because I know what it is now. I know it will pass, I just gotta keep myself calm. It is just so hard sometimes, because the anger that I do not really feel will just rush out before I can stop it sometimes. While it has lessened the effects, it sure hasn't stopped the thoughts and depression that is right along with it. I just have to keep focusing on controlling it. I hate the looks on my families faces when it is that time and I have one of my PMDD moods. Ugh.

My dad is in the hospital. Nothing major I think, just checks and such. He is such a pain when he is in there. Calling and cursing, yelling at the nurses...everything. He went for a regular Dr. visit and the Dr. heard something in his chest and having recently beat his cancer he was just taking precaution I think. But try telling a 68 yr old pig headed man that.

Hugs to all and enjoy the cookies. Maybe some fudge will come by later.

Just things

This past weekend my parents came up. We thought Steve's family would be here also, but his daddy had to work. My parents, being who they are, decided they would cook for everyone and just have a holiday style meal since we did not get to go home. They did decide against it when we found out Steve's family wasn't going to be able to make it. But they did bring goodies like my dads super awesome fudge. I swear you have not had fudge till you have my families. I usually will not even eat anyone else's because his is that good. Soft and rich, not to sweet, smooth wonderfulness. My mom made some custard pies. The ones where you do not use a crust. OMG I love custard pie, it reminds me of being a little girl and my granny making them at the holidays. My mom also made an Egg Nog bunt cake. It is sooooo good. Smooth and moist after almost a week.

My brother came to visit with his little boy too, and we all actually had a really nice time. I always get worried because me and my baby brother don't always get along to well...they whole you are the spawn of Satan thing always rubbed me the wrong way...but anywho...

We all had a great time, and I was so sad to see my parents leave. I actually got teared up a bit, which is not normal at all.

I took James to get his hair trimmed before they got here, and OMG the lady chopped his hair to bits. I told her a little out of the eyes and a tiny bit off the ears and back. To LEAVE his curls. Within 2 minutes his hair was all choppy and a complete mess. I told her to leave him alone...and as I was taking him out of the chair she was still cutting. I about screamed...leave my baby alone...lets just say they did not even ask me to pay. The next day I took him to the local kids place that we normally go to, they did a fabulous job fixing his hair and I am so grateful. No curls, but that is because the other lady cut every single one off, but he looks like a little boy and not a baby anymore. Maybe I will post before and after pictures later.

I got picture drama...tell ya more about that later.

Hugs.

Just say thank you...

I was thinking yesterday, as I went into my second hour of shampooing carpets that being a stay at home mom....or dad, is really one of those thankless jobs.

The stay at home parent does the majority of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and kid detail during the day. We wash cloths, fold them, put them up, do dishes, sweep the floors...on and on and on. Do we get a raise? Heck no, we don't even get a pay check. Not a monetary one at least.

We clean and cook, manage and analyze every single day. We don't get monthly performance reports and really it is a great day when some one says, without prompting, wow the house is really clean, or thank you for washing my clothes and noticing that stain and working to get it out.

I know all parents have these same things, but when one parent stays home really the majority falls on them. That's alot of majority when you really thing about it. It's a lot of responsibility, but we do it because we love.

That is the paycheck, making sure everything runs smoothly, helping our kids, taking care of our spouses...our family. But sometimes, it would be nice to be just given a vacation day so to speak. A nice day without any of that, but one where someone does fill in for you. Because with out a filler on the schedule, just like any job, all of it falls behind. Then it's not like a vacation day, it is like one of those very rare sick days, where you come back and have not just double the work, but sometimes triple....because there has been no complete picking up, nor any sweeping of the floors, or whatever.

Being a parent is a thankless job, however I know that as a SAHP I have much more on my plate, in my head, and to do every single day than what I ever had to do when I was actually working.

However unlike a regular job, we don't do the special things for recognition, or promotion we do them because we love. We try to take care of our families to our best ability. To comfort them, to care for them, to make sure they have everything they need to get through the day and come home to dinner together and a clean house to relax in.

There's a lot more that goes into being a SAHP than what goes into just going to work everyday. Look around and try to remember who dusted the mantle, or the pictures, or cleaned the windows, or made sure meals are prepared...whatever, and if the majority is falling to one person...make sure to tell them that you appreciate them, that you noticed...that is all the raise we need.

Freeeezzziiinnggggg

Man it is cold in our house, well at least downstairs it is. Something is wrong with our downstairs furnace, I think it may be the thermostat. Sometimes the heat kicks on when it is not needed, but doesn't kick on when it is.

My toes are cold, my hands are hurting from the cold, and my little boy is all cozied up like he is going out to play...LOL.

Pretty good week so far, CSTL came home from Philadelphia yesterday. I was so happy to see him. Sometimes when he is gone for work it seems like weeks go by when it is only days.

I've been a cleaning fool the last few days. I have the dining room and living room all clean...carpets are even shampooed. Yesterday I did the kitchen and the table area along with the foyer. Cleaned the cabinets, washed the cabinets down a few weeks ago so I scrubbed and mopped the floor and waxed the hardwood. Today I will tackle the family room and downstairs bathroom, and hopefully get all of upstairs done before our families get here tomorrow.

Christmas shopping is about done. Just gotta get James squared away. Three more presents for family kids, and some gift cards and we are done. I would rather be done earlier in the season than now, but that is okay...money has been really tight so I am glad that we are just able to do what we can when we can.

Time for something new

So I figured it was time to start anew. Things change, and coming upon the New Year, I have thought alot about the changes that have taken place in me, in my family, and in life in general.

Yesterday I broke my baby toe, needless to say it was extremely painful. More painful than what I thought a broken anything should be. I took some of CSTL's pain meds for his mouth and while it eased the pain to where I could walk, it really did not do all that much but make me a bit loopy inside...LOL
We decorated the tree last night, and while I take pride at how the tree looks every year, to me it resembles something that you would see at a department store. It is simply gorgeous and full of family love.

I had to go out and get some ornament hooks so I went to the Rite Aid down the road. I was walking past the door when I saw this little old lady trip over the car stop thing. Her granddaughter was struggling to help her up, and I seriously thought that the way she was so limp that maybe she had a heart attack. I dropped everything and ran out there to help. When it was all over, all I kept thinking of was my grandma. How much I miss her, and how I would give anything to help her up just once more. To hold her hand, see her laugh, and have her see my two beautiful children.

We did not go to either family for Thanksgiving. Financial issues, dental appt.'s, and just life in general biting us in the patootie left us with the choice to do something sensible and stay home and celebrate here, or go and try to make it work. We stayed and I was left reflecting over my family in general.

So much has changed with me and my dad's relationship in the last 9 years. I love my dad, and am so proud of him. He's a little nuts, and sometimes slightly crazy, but since I had Ryan, he has never let me down. He has always been there, even when I didn't want him to be. When we got married, I was sure that was the end but he surprised me again, and now loves CSTL as much as he loves his own children. And that warms my heart.

I came across some pictures of Ryan right before we moved here, and I cannot believe how much he has grown. Not the taller kinda grown, but the mature, confident grown. He is becoming a little man, but every day when he comes for his nightly hug, or his many daily hugs, I am reminded of just how lucky I am. He is an overall good kid. He has the same pushing and testing boundaries that all 9 year olds have, but he is a good, sensitive, loving, caring little boy. He is smart, and well rounded, and tried to make the best choice when his friends are making the wrong ones.
A few weeks ago, his dad called and pretty much said that he wanted nothing to do with Ryan. For us to do whatever, CS adopt him or whatever, he did not care. That he had to get his life together and could not do that worrying about Ryan. I have to say that it hurt. Not hurt me, but hurt because I knew what it would do to Ryan. I have not told him, but I did tell him that we finally got his blessing for CSTL to adopt him.

James is just growing and growing. He has such a sweet demeanor, and just comes up to you to hug, or give kisses, or just to sit on your lap. Ryan wasn't like that. He did not want to be held at all, so it is a welcome change when James stops playing to sit beside you for just a moment. When he looks up at you and smiles and then hops back down...it's like he is checking to make sure we are still there. His new thing is pointy at you and saying..."You stink!" LOL, it is about the cutest thing.

This year has brought a lot of changes, especially these last few months. After finally figuring out what was wrong with me, PMDD, and getting treatment...I can say that I feel at total peace inside. One big thing I know it was affecting was my marriage, and I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have a husband who just stands by and takes everything...only to still love me in the morning. And when I say take everything...I mean the worst mental mood swings and emotional crap you can throw at someone. If you know anyone with PMDD you know what I am talking about. I was diagnosed in Oct. and my Dr. said it was the most severe form. That basically means I am a terror during that time. So much so, that Ryan told me I was mean now. That is when I knew I had to do something.

CSTL...there is not much more I can say about him, other than I love him. I love him with everything that I am. From childhood I have dealt with some terrible things, things that could totally break someone. Those things taught me to keep people at a distance, to not let anyone to close, to always try to take care of myself first. Being with him, feeling the love he has for me everyday, has given me the ability to re-learn how to love. How to cherish and show that love. I still have some work to do, but I am trying to be better every day. I know we have had our problems, and there has been issues and what-not, but we always come out stronger, better, and more dedicated.

I have a family. I have the totality that I always saw other people with and wished for. As I reflect on the year past, and my life in general, I realize that right now is certainly the best time in my life.

I have love. I have the love that blossoms and grows everyday.

I finally have a little peace....thanks in part to Celexa, but nonetheless, it feels wonderful.