Been a long time

Wow...it's been a long long time since I have posted on here, and so much has changed but really remained the same.

I lost my job yesterday. I loved my job. Seriously. I woke up every morning ready and excited to go to work. I loved what I did. I did something I know was right. I refused to cross my morals, and did what I till always think was right. I was told I was a strong, solid, reliable employee...but it was time.

I am devastated. We just got straightened out. Just bought a new car. I am sick to my stomach and really have no idea what we are going to do. I say we are going to be okay...because I have to believe it. But are we? I do not know. Unless I find something quick, or they do not fight unemployment, I do not think we will be. The amount we will have for the total month leftover after bills, is the amount we usually spend in 1-2 weeks.

If we cut way back...we can do it. I know we can. But there are so many other things. Kiddo 1 needs to go to the dentist like ASAP, and dear hubby has to get new glasses that we just won't be able to afford. And what about my medication the Dr. now has me on, there is no way with our co pay that we will be able to pay for it.

But on the brighter side...I stuck to what I knew was right, what I believed, and stood my ground. They said it was performance, but I had the highest on the team and they just gave me a raise...so I call bullcrap.

UGH...

This is it

It had to happen, as I have drifted away from this in the last 2 years.

Goodbye.

Cutters

So the thread over there...ST's no one will care...has got me thinking...



What do you do to cut time? Cost? Or anything?



I need some clutter ideas that are cheap, easy, and easy to maintain. I hate clutter and used to clean out everything before we got married about every six months or so. But really, this house is to big for me to do by myself so then I get unmotivated.



Any ideas?

Happy Spring

Spring is here!!!

We spent Good Friday at the park, and had so much fun. It was a great warm, sunny day and since Steve and Ryan were both home we decided to go to the park and enjoy it.

The baby made a new little friend named Lisa, and I think maybe his dad's Asian (girl) adoration was passed down. James doesn't usually pay too much attention to other kids, but he followed her around and just kept looking at her.

We attempted to fly Ryans big kite that Steve bought him after we were married, but for some reason it wouldn't fly. It seemed as though everyone had kites up in the air with the little tail streamers, so I went to the Wal-mart right down the road and bought 2. They were $1 and were really cute. Needless to say they flew and flew. Ryan's did so well that he was able to sit down on the bench and fly it.

Other than that the weekend was pretty uneventful. Ryan doesn't believe in the Easter Bunny anymore, but still enjoyed what the bunny brought, and James loves his little bubble mower.

Spring break from school comes late this year and we are planning on doing the family thing. We'll be driving up to WV for a few days, and I have to say that I am more excited than I thought I would be. It has been over a year since I have been home, and really need to go. Then we are heading towards Steve's parents for a few days. Ryan is ubber excited to see his cousins from Steve's side.

Ryan spoke to his dad last week. We'll see how this turns out, but he is now starting to call with some sort of regularity and Ryan is enjoying it. Ryan wants to go to WV for summer break and his dad told him that he will be moved back there by then, and wants to spend lots of time with him. Hopefully this will work out. Come'on powers that be, Ryan needs this and please allow him to have it. For once. He has been through so much with his dad, and I am just hoping that he doesn't get his heart broken again.

His school issues are more with his teacher than things going on with his dad. He told us at the start of the year when we got his assignment that the teacher did not like him. No idea what put that into his head, but we didn't ask for a different teacher and now I wish we had. Ryan was reading on a 5ht grade level when he went into the class, and has never gotten a B before. Now he is only on a lower 4th grade level and his report card before this one was all B's and a C. This one was all A's and a B, but we really pressed him. They write slips for their disciplinary actions. What that means is anytime they have to be called down for something they have to fill out a slip outlining what they did and what will change. There was a time when Ryan was writing like 5 a day. Some of them were for stupid things like not paying attention in class while picking up his pencil of the ground. Really.

I have talked to his teacher and she feels he is not working to his potential. I tried to explain that his potential was much higher before her class, and that tells me something is wrong with her class. The final straw was when Ryan missed a day because he was sick to his stomach. The next day he felt better so I sent him to school. When he got home he was crying and saying that he was sick in school. I asked why he did not call home, and he said after asking his teacher 3 times to go to the nurse he just gave up because she wouldn't let him go.

I called her and she said that she didn't think he was sick, and that since she is the response person she has a thermometer and such in her class and he didn't need to go. I told her that she is to never do that again. That if my child is sick to allow him to call me, among the many other choice things I said. Since then his grades have came up and there aren't any slips.

So...now I am debating on which to do first...laundry or clean the kitchen? However I really need a nap.

Oh and I have started walking. I really have some weight that I need to lose. I have never stressed about my weight, but I have gained like 40 lbs since we got married...and I cannot stand not being able to wear my clothes, or not liking pictures to be taken. SO I have to lose some of this extra baggage. It is really taking a toll out on me and how I see myself.

Happy Spring!!!!!

Whew

Lets get yesterday down a few posts or something.

So it was a bad few days for me, and now it is over. It's a part of the PMDD process I guess.

So it is colllllddddd here right now. Cold as in about 40f outside. But that is cold anymore.

Ryan has been acting up in school a lot lately. No idea what to do, as we have done everything. Took away all games. Grounded him based on weekly school reports. Given him more chores. The thing that has helped, I told him if he got into trouble this week I would take him to have his long hair cut off. Since I told him that we have had nothing but good reports...so far.

His dad called about a week ago, and was asking about the child support and what we were doing with it. He talked to Ryan for a few minutes and that was good, because besides everything he loves his dad. He loves Steve to, so I think he might feel conflicted at times. But I should have known something was up. He called, now no child support coming.

I thought he was doing better, but that is for another day.

Cheers,

Lost

Have you ever gotten so low, to a point where you just want to say I give up? I don't want to do this anymore. I am tired. I am weak.

Have you ever felt so bad, internally, emotionally that you see no way out. No way to escape and come back to normalcy. That all you see and feel at that moment is torment. Agony so bad that you can only cry. The agony is not a nervous system responding to pain agony, but a full fledged mental assault on yourself that you cannot escape.

Currently, that is me. I don't know what to do. Where to turn. How to cope. How to act. I try to make it better inside myself, but I just can't seem to this time. It's like I see that rope, and I grab with the tips of my fingers and then something happens, something minor but repeatedly and I feel those fibers delicately woven into that rope sliding out of my reach.

I guess that maybe I need to go back to the Dr. and tell her that my meds are not currently working. Or maybe this is something more, something bigger and I need to see someone more specialized. I have no clue. I just know that currently I am lost.

There are so many things in my life that are wonderful, my husband, my children. But there are other small issues that build upon themselves that I just cannot seem to handle anymore. I just don't know what to do. Today is a bad day, yesterday was worse. Is it the PMDD, or is there something more wrong with me.

I just want to reach and grab onto something and come out of this, and it seems that there is nothing left to grab.

Things

I really didn't know what to use as my title, so things kinda fits. I have so much to blog about, but as usual...get tied up in other things. You know, like WarCrack. LOL.

K, now where to start. Last year I blogged about a friend doing some things that really bothered me. Well me and her, Tanya is her name, have been back in contact and really talked through some things. For one, she is now in the process of (hopefully) leaving the abusive person she married and who basically was the cause of all the heartache. Because it wasn't just me that she hurt, it was also our other dear friend, Desiree. I am glad that me and her are talking, because we had such a wonderful friendship, most of all I am glad she is seeing him for what everyone else saw him as.

Next thing...CSTL's care broke down again. I would love to get rid of this thing, but because of other reasons we cannot. So we thought we would see about trading the Pilot for two cars, cheap cars, and having about the same payment. Sure everyone could do it, but the payment was going to be CRAZZZYYY. Why? Because the freaking Honda has depreciated in value by $8000 in less than 2 years. Yep $8000. We went to the Honda place we bought it from and after arguing and fretting and crying, me, they could not tell us anything other than, yes you have this Honda in the same shape you bought it in, with GPS, and fully loaded and, yep for some unknown reason it has went down by $8000. Sorry. I cannot begin to express how freaking mad I was. But one good thing is we love the Honda, and eventually we'll just get him a new car for work.

Kiddos...James now says nana nana nana when he wants a banana. LOL. He loves those things. And I think I finally have Ryan talked into cutting his hair. He said he would cut it if I would let him have basically what is a mullet, or a mohawk. Well I am on the verge of the mohawk but am thinking I can sway him into something less mullety. LOL. Oh his dad is finally paying child support. Fingers are crossed though, because they are getting him for about $400 a month to cover arrears plus about 200 to cover arrears to the state. I am praying he doesn't quit his job because they are hitting him for so much all at once.

PMDD...well, I got through a whole month, without going completely insane. I cannot express how great that feels. There was maybe one day or night of sad crying, but for the most part I have been able to really work on it mentally and keep it at bay. And of course the pills help. Which reminds me, I need to get my script filled. With everything else that has happened in the last two years I really felt like I had completely or was on the edge of losing my mind. Because really that is what it feels like. Ex: Someone said something and I did not quite hear it. Because it was right at the peak of when it hits the hardest, I was crying and begging and screaming, and crying...and in my head all I could think of was why is this happening, why can't I control myself. I tried to explain that I cannot cope and needed them to tell me whatever it was no matter how minute or unimportant, eventually after a while, more crying screaming and feeling like I was having a nervous breakdown, they told me. As soon as it was said, it was over. The clutching and heat were gone and my mind was calm again.......So that is how life was for me until I started taking these meds for PMDD. It is so wonderful to feel like I am not going crazy.

Life in general...is great. I just got done reading His Dark Materials, and it is a wonderful book. Our friend No knock Renee is reading it to give her recommendation about taking it out of the elementary library. And I have been totally against it. Now that I have read it, I think it should stay, but maybe only the older children check it out. There is a lot in it that they do not understand, and while it is a good book, I think that it would be best that parents know they are checking it out.

Ok...so that is all for now. My baby is away working and we miss him so much here at home. We had snow last night and I would have loved being able to cuddle up to him while we watched it.

Enjoy your day!!!